The Things We Learn
by Shira Rukawa
Summary: You’ve learnt about the laws of physics… now learn about the laws of Slam Dunk through this parody of typical Slam Dunk fanfics!
1. Default Chapter

**The Things We Learn**

**Summary**

You've learnt about the laws of physics… now learn about the laws of Slam Dunk through this parody of typical Slam Dunk fanfics!

**Author's Note**

First humor fic. Idea came to me in a fit of boredom. Go figure.

**Chapter 1**

My name's Jane. I'm an exchange student… never mind where from. Well, currently, I'm in Kanagawa, searching for my host family's house… They weren't at the airport to pick me up, and I really hope they haven't forgotten all about me, because it'll be real awkward if I show up and they're totally unprepared…

It's a good thing I have the address, anyway…

Some time later, after the taxi drops me off at the address I'd given him, I find myself knocking at the door of a rather large house.

"Is this the Mitsui residence?" I ask nervously as a middle-aged woman answers the door.

"Yes, can I help you?"

"I'm the exchange student who's supposed to come stay here…?"

She stares at me blankly for a moment, and then her eyes start to widen, her mouth forming a wide 'O'.

Yep, they forgot about me, all right.

"Um, why don't you step in for a while? I'm Mrs. Mitsui, by the way."

I walk in, struggling with the weight of my bags. Mrs. Mitsui looks at me in a concerned way.

"Do you need help with those, dear?" she asks me.

"I'm fine, thank you," I grunt, setting the bags down.

"Have a seat," she says, gesturing towards some comfortable-looking chairs in the living room.

Not knowing what else to do, I sit down. Mrs. Mitsui disappears upstairs, and returns a while later with a tall boy whom I assume is her son. He looks to be about my age.

"This is my son, Hisashi," she says. "He's in his third year at Shohoku High."

"Oh!" I say. "I'll be entering second year at that school."

"Are you now?" she says, smiling slightly. "Hisashi, why don't you have a little chat with our guest, while I prepare some drinks? Would you care for some coffee, or tea?" she adds, looking at me.

"Er… just plain water would be great, thanks," I reply.

Mrs. Mitsui goes into the kitchen, and for a while I can only hear the sound of her preparing some drinks, and snacks too, by the sound of it.

"So," Hisashi says, breaking the silence. "You're Mary Sue?"

"Erm, no," I say, wondering what on earth gave him the idea that my name was Mary Sue. "I'm Jane."

"Ahh, whatever," he replies irritably. "And I suppose you're very beautiful, and very gifted in everything you do, and possess a special talent to boot."

_**Law #1: The First Law of Mary Sue**_

_**Mary Sues are abundant in Slam Dunk fanfiction. These girls are generally irritatingly perfect, and often manage to get at least two or three Slam Dunk hunks to fall in love with them. Yeesh.**_

I stare at him, very confused. "Actually, I'm none of the above."

I begin to feel like there's been some kind of mistake. Do I need all of those qualities to be in the exchange program?

Mitsui snorts. "Yeah, sure. We've got a modest Mary Sue here."

I'm quite annoyed now. "My name is not Mary Sue. And I'm not gifted or talented, or anything like that. And I'm not beautiful! You'd have noticed that by now if you hadn't kept your eyes on the floor since you came into the room."

"I'm not going to look at you," he says, covering his eyes with his hand, his face still turned away from me, "You'll put an evil Mary Sue spell on me!"

I roll my eyes, reach over and force him to look at me.

"Ahh! You're… you're…" he blinks, and then stares at me. "You're… normal-looking!"

"Well, duh!"

"Your hair's not long and shiny."

"Gee, thanks for pointing that out."

"Your eyes are brown… not silver or purple or some other freakishly weird colour!"

"Why would they be any other colour than brown?"

_**Law #2: The Second Law of Mary Sue**_

_**It's a generally well-known fact that Mary Sue's have the following physical features; long, silky smooth hair, unusually coloured eyes, perfect hourglass figure, and flawless long legs. They are also incredibly gifted in their studies as well as the arts, and also possess the skills to cry and to faint during dramatic moments.**_

"And you're short… and kind of dumpy…"

"Hey!" I protest. "That's just being rude!"

He looks at me for a second, and then blinks. "Sorry. Got carried away."

"Why were you so scared that I might be this Mary Sue person, anyway?" I ask him. He looks a lot more relaxed now.

He grins sheepishly. "I fell in love with several Mary Sue's already."

"Several?" I gape at him. How can there be so many people sharing the same name? And does this guy have some sort of obsession with girls by that name, or what?

"Yeah." He frowns. "They all dumped me for Rukawa."

"Who?"

"You don't know?" he looks at me for a while, then leans back in his chair. "Ah, well, you'll find out soon enough."

_**Law #3: The Third Law of Mary Sue**_

_**Mary Sue's generally fall in love either with Rukawa or Sendoh.**_

A loud cough, followed by an even louder one, as well as the sound of a throat being cleared came from the direction of the kitchen. Then it suddenly occurred to me that it can't possibly take that long to prepare some drinks and snacks, can it?

"Um…" Mitsui casts a furtive glance towards the kitchen before turning back to me.

"Look, I might as well come clean with you," he says, lowering his voice. "We haven't any place for you to stay here. All our rooms are taken."

"All…?"

"Yep. We haven't got a single spare room left! So I'm afraid it's impossible for you to stay here."

_**Law #4: Law of Exchange Students**_

_**Schools in Kanagawa, particularly Shohoku, Ryonan, Shoyo and Kainan, are constantly plagued with exchange students, a large majority of which are female (and yes, Mary Sues as well). And these exchange students almost always end up staying with the main hunks of Slam Dunk.**_

"So… what am I going to do?"

"Well… I'll tell you what. I'll bring you over to the school, show you around… then we'll ask around and see if anyone can help you find a place to stay."

"Never mind," I say abruptly. "I'll do that myself. Just point me in the direction of the school, and I'll be off."

Looking rather relieved, Hisashi leads me to the door.

Some time later, I'm beginning to wish that I'd let Hisashi show me the way to school. At least he might have helped carry these bags for me.

I look around, and realize that I am completely lost. There isn't a single building nearby that even vaguely resembles a school.

In fact, I seem to have wandered into a rather quiet, deserted area of town. Whoops.

"Hey, little girl. Lost, are you?" a voice calls from right behind me.

I turn and find myself facing two of the ugliest, dorkiest looking specimens of male that nature can produce.

Then I hear another noise, and look all around me. Oh. Make that five of the ugliest, dorkiest looking specimens of male that nature can produce.

"What are you supposed to be?" I ask the biggest, ugliest one, who just about has to be the leader.

"We're rapists," he says proudly.

_**Law #5: Law of Rapists**_

_**Rapists are surprisingly abundant in Kanagawa. Oddly enough, though, none of the girls accosted by these people are raped, since they're usually rescued just in time by a Slam Dunk hunk just passing by, usually Rukawa, who seems to have a penchant for passing by dark, lonely places. What is that guy up to?**_

"Oh." I say. "Good for you."

I look around frantically. Nowhere to run… typical.

The five men close in on me, and then…

"Get lost."

I turn around to look at the tall person that has suddenly appeared behind me. He's quite good-looking, really.

_**Law #6: Hero vs. Baddies**_

_**Slam Dunk hunk versus baddies – no matter how many people he's up against, he always wins.**_

The five men who were about to attack me stare at him in horror.

"It's a basketball player!" the biggest one yelps in terror.

"No way! This girl doesn't look like a Mary Sue at all!" another replies, equally frightened.

"Big Brother, why do we keep doing this if we keep getting beaten up by basketball players?"

"Oh, for plot's sake! Run before he massacres us!"

And then the area was completely deserted, except for me and the tall hunk.

I stare and stare until my eyes feel like dropping out from their sockets. People here are _weird_.

Turning around, I see the tall boy slouching off.

"Oi!" I yell. "Wait for me!"

He didn't change his pace at all, despite me yelling at him several times to stop. And, although he's slouching and walking slowly, my heavy bags are doing a good job of making sure that I''ll never catch up to him.

Just as he's disappearing around a corner, I give up hope of catching up to him and just yell, "Thank you!"

He didn't even look up.

I groan, drop my bags and stare at my swollen red palms.

Then I look up and see a large building.

A sign on the brick wall surrounding its grounds have the following printed on it;

Shohoku High School.

I'm here. Too bad it's Sunday night.

**Author's Note**

Please review! I'd like to know what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Things We Learn**

**Summary**

You've learnt about the laws of physics… now learn about the laws of Slam Dunk through this parody of typical Slam Dunk fanfics!

**Author's Note**

Many thanks to everyone who reviewed… I'm the type who drops a project very quickly if I lose interest, but because so many people commented positively, I will do my best to continue this little fanfic of mine.

I was surprised when some of you commented that I was being brave and stuff like that, to write this fic of mine. O.o I really didn't think of anything like that when I started writing this fic… I just wrote it off the top of my head! I haven't gotten any flames from Mary Sue writers and fans so far, so I'm glad that everyone's so open-minded. O

Sorry about any errors I may have made in the process of writing this fic… I did spell-check twice, but being a mere human, I guess I missed a few things… like "the taxi drops me off at the address I'd given him". It's a male taxi! Lol Great… now I'm bashing my own fics. X.x I'll edit as soon as I can bring my lazy self to do so.

Thanks again! glomps reviewers 

Oh, and Mary Sue basketball players? Interesting idea… then we can have a mob of them chasing after Rukawa… mwahahaha… Maybe I'll include that in one of the upcoming chapters…

**Chapter 2**

I look across the table nervously at the principal. It's Monday morning, and of course the first thing I have to do is go to see him and enquire about classes. However…

He clears his throat. "Um… Miss… Jane, was it? You were supposed to enter the second year at this school, right?"

I nod. What's he getting at?

"The thing is, our second year classes are all full. I'm afraid it's not possible to fit you into any of the second year classes, and it's too late to transfer you into another school…"

"So… what are you going to do?" I ask, nervously. Will they send me home?

"Well, we have decided to simply move you into a different year. I think it would be rather difficult for you if you were to be put into a third year class, so we have decided to place you into a first year class."

Wha-a-at? A first year class? As in… a demotion?

"My secretary will take you to your class." With that, he dismisses me, smiling. "Good luck with your classes."

The door to the office closes abruptly, and I can hear the sound of the lock clicking softly but firmly into place.

Outside, three noisy girls are talking to the secretary, a middle-aged woman who looks likes she's about to explode.

"Look," she says, apparently exasperated, "The principal will not see you. You have bothered him enough about this! Your fan club is not educational according to the school's standards, and will therefore not be made an official school club!"

"What do you mean, it's not educational?" one of the girls argues.

"Yeah, we learn so much about Rukawa everyday!" another girl chimes in.

"Like, just yesterday, I learnt that he wears pink boxer shorts!" The third girl says suddenly.

The other girls and the secretary turn to stare at her. "Well," she says, blushing, "I caught a glimpse of it when… when…" At this point she stops talking, whilst the other two girls try to force more information out of her with little result.

At this point, I approach the secretary.

"Excuse me," I say politely, "I'm the new student. I was wondering if you could show me the way to my classroom?"

At the words "new student", the three girls turn to face me, hostile expressions on their faces.

"Another Mary Sue," one of the girls says through clenched teeth.

_**Law #7: Law of the Newcomer**_

_**Any newcomers to the school, particularly female newcomers, are usually greeted by the Rukawa fan club and made to feel as unwelcome as possible. **_

There they go with that Mary Sue thing again. Who is this Mary Sue person? I can't look that much like her, can I?

"Actually," I correct them, "It's Jane."

"Whatever," one of the girls scoffs. "Just stay away from our Rukawa!"

"Who?" I ask, confused; the name is completely unfamiliar to me.

"Don't play dumb! You Mary Sues are an alien race here to steal Rukawa-kun from us! I know it!" one of the girls points at me accusingly.

I stare at her. These people are nuts. The sooner I get out of here, the better.

The secretary is already setting off down the hall, and I run after her.

"Miss Jane," she says icily as I catch up to her, "I know this is your first day here, but please remember in future that running in the corridors is strictly forbidden."

I keep silent and continue walking just behind her.

Finally, we stop outside one of the classrooms. The secretary walks inside, leaving me standing nervously at the doorway.

"Class," I hear the teacher say, a forced enthusiasm to his voice, "It seems that we have a new student with us today."

The class groaned in unison. "Not another one!"

Gee, it's nice to be wanted.

The secretary steps out of the classroom. "Go in," she tells me, and then leaves abruptly, apparently returning to the principal's office.

I enter the classroom nervously.

"Hello," the teacher greets me, "Why don't you introduce yourself to everyone?"

Standing at the front of the classroom, I turn to face my classmates, taking the opportunity to observe everyone.

My eyes widen a little in amazement. The class is filled to the brim with the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. Some of them are even more beautiful than the supermodels I've seen on the television screen or on magazine pages.

I am completely dazed by the beautiful flowing silver-blonde hair of one girl, and the amethystine purple of another's eyes. How is it possible…? It looks natural…

_**Law #8: Law of the Classroom**_

_**Mary Sues inevitably end up in the same class as one of the Slam Dunk hunks, usually Rukawa's class.**_

"Erm… hi," I say nervously. "I'm Jane, and I'm with the student exchange program. Pleased to meet all of you…"

The teacher nods at me, then tells me to take a seat.

There's only one empty seat in the classroom, at the back.

_**Law #9: Law of the Empty Seat**_

_**There's always an empty seat next to Rukawa.**_

I sit myself down, placing my backpack on the floor next to my chair. There's a boy seated at the desk next to mine, his head buried in his arms, apparently fast asleep. Something about him seems familiar to me, but I just can't place my finger on it. All I can make out is his messy mop of black hair, and…

_**Law #10: Law of the Drool**_

_**Mary Sues always make a point of it to be disgusted by Rukawa's drooling, though eventually this mini-flaw of his will be completely disregarded, or even declared 'cute'.**_

He's drooling in his sleep! How embarrassing for him when he wakes up…

"Teacher! Rukawa is asleep again!" one of the very few boys in the class calls out.

The teacher casts a glance at the boy seated next to me and mumbles something along the lines of, "Never mind, let him sleep…" before resuming the lesson.

Is it just me, or did I see fear on that teacher's expression? He's scared of this Rukawa guy? Wait a minute…

I remember now… those girls outside the principal's office mentioned something about someone named Rukawa… and pink boxers.

I stare at the boy next to me. He doesn't seem at all the type of person who'd wear pink boxers. But, still…

The teacher's afraid of a guy who wears pink boxers and drools in his sleep!

I find this thought so amusing that I start to giggle a little. Unfortunately, the teacher hears me.

"Is there something funny, Jane?" he asks impatiently.

Whoops.

"Er… absolutely nothing, sir." I say meekly.

"Then please remain quiet whilst I am teaching," the teacher says, glaring at me a little.

The beautiful girls smirk snidely at me before continuing to scribble notes with their pink mechanical pencils and flowered stationery. Even from afar I can see that they all have beautiful, neat writing.

Class was long and boring, but when the day is over, I get up with a sigh of relief, as did a few other normal students. As I am about to leave, I notice that… Rukawa, I think his name was… is still asleep.

Tentatively, I walk over to him.

"Hey," I call, prodding his shoulder gently. "Wake up. Class is over."

_**Law #11: Law of the Sleeping Beauty**_

_**All Mary Sues just have to wake Rukawa up on their first day at Shohoku.**_

A fist lands squarely on my own shoulder, and I yelp in pain. Now I know why the teacher didn't want to wake him! A few of my classmates, about to leave the classroom, grin.

"Nobody… wakes me up… when I'm sleeping…" Rukawa mumbles.

His fist unclenches, and a small bottle falls out of his hand.

Picking it up from the floor, I read the label.

"Artificial Drool – Guaranteed to Keep the Fan Girls Away While You're Sleeping! Part of the Anti-Fan Girl Kit."

At that moment, he stirs and looks at me and the bottle I'm holding in my hand.

"That's mine," he says, narrowing his eyes at me.

"I know," I say simply. "You dropped it."

I can't believe it. Despite the artificial drool and sleepy expression, I recognize him instantly. It's the person who helped me last night when I was being attacked by those losers.

I hand the bottle back to him. "I didn't get to thank you properly last night, so… thank you."

He accepts the bottle without a word and tucks it carefully into his pocket before leaving the classroom.

The moment he steps out of the classroom, all the beautiful girls I had noted earlier and more flocked around him.

"Honey," one girl crooned in a melodious voice, "What time will you pick me up for our date tonight?"

"Darling, walk me home?" another girl purrs.

"Can I play basketball with you, sweetheart?" a girl pleads, her golden eyes wide and shining.

"Hey, back off, he's _my_ boyfriend!"

"You wish! He's mine!"

"I made him smile last week!"

"Oh yeah? Well I made him _laugh_!"

_**Law #12: Law of the Smiling Ice Prince**_

_**Each Mary Sue can make Rukawa smile or laugh at least once. This is considered a major accomplishment in a Mary Sue's life, and can even be considered a cause to celebrate.**_

Rukawa brushes them off and walks away.

"Rukawa, honey!" the girls call out. "Come back!"

Ignoring them, he walks off. The girls look as if they're about to rush after him, but soon change their mind. Apparently disappointed, they turn to face each other, and start hissing insults and curses under their breaths.

I walk past them, wondering what that was all about.

Before long, my footsteps lead me to the school gym.

_**Law #13: Law of the School Gym**_

_**No Mary Sue can go one fic without visiting the school gym at least once, regardless of whether they actually play sports or not.**_

Upon entering, I have to blink a few times before my eyes can adjust to the bright lights inside the gym. I spot a familiar face – there's that Rukawa guy, playing basketball by himself. Apparently practice hasn't started yet; there aren't very many people to be seen.

Someone taps me on the shoulder, and I turn around to see Hisashi there, grinning at me.

"Hey, what are you doing here? Really gifted basketball player, are you?" he asks in a half-jesting tone.

_**Law #14: Law of Mary Sues and Basketball**_

_**Mary Sues generally possess a natural gift in playing basketball and can perform three-pointers and fade away shots without much problem.**_

I laugh nervously. "No… To be honest, I don't even know the basic rules of basketball."

"Seriously?" he asks. He looks genuinely shocked. I guess, to a jock like him, not knowing anything about basketball must be something really unusual.

"Well… I guess I know that you're supposed to shoot the ball into the net… and that's about it," I admit, laughing.

He smiles. "Hey, don't worry, you'll learn… If you want to. Why don't you stick around?"

"Er…yeah," I say.

I actually came here for a reason that has absolutely nothing to do with basketball, but…

I head over to the locker room, but hesitate when I see Hisashi walking in. Moments later, though, he comes out and rushes past me without even noticing me standing there.

I watch him rush over to a tall person who looks very much like an African-American and is talking to a shorter boy with dark hair and glasses. It's very strange, but in the few days that I've been here in Kanagawa, I've seen very few people who actually look Japanese. I mean, just look at that red-headed guy over there!

Hisashi says something in low tones to the African-American look-alike. The expression on that other guy's face slowly grows darker and darker… and then…

He stands upright, and his voice booms all over the room.

"Which one of you was the last to return home last night?" he yells.

The red-head raises his hand. There's a look on his face that clearly says, "Oh, man, what have I done _this_ time?"

"Sakuragi!" the guy booms again. "You forgot to lock up again after practice!"

"Aw, big deal, Gori," the red-head protests. "So what if I did?"

'Gori' glares at him. "I'll have you know that someone came into the gym last night and apparently stayed here! There are a couple of suitcases in the locker room, and… and…" He looks like he's about to have a heart attack.

"Somebody used our newly washed uniforms as bedding," the boy with glasses says. His voice isn't raised at all, but everyone can hear him clearly.

"Do you have any idea how much the cleaning bills cost?" the African-American shouts hysterically at the redhead. "When I find out who it was who broke into the locker room last night, I'll… I'll…" he breaks off, apparently unable to think of a fate terrible enough for the perpetrator.

Oh, lord. I honestly thought those things were just old rags. Seriously, everything in that old room just _smells_. How was I supposed to know?

I walk up to them, my heart pounding nervously in my chest with every footstep. I can feel many, many pairs of eyes burning into my skin.

"Um… I'm sorry," I say. My voice is barely above a whisper, but even then it seems like the loudest sound in the world. There's a pin-drop silence in the gym, and every syllable that comes out of my mouth can be heard very clearly.

"I'm the one responsible for the mess in the locker room," I say.

I think I understand now what it feels like to be the most hated person in a room.

**_Law #15: Law of Mary Sues and Public Relations_**

_**Mary Sues are well-liked by everyone (except for the Rukawa fan club), regardless of personality (or lack of one!).**_

**Author's Note**

I'm sorry I took so long to update! Been real busy lately… and I don't think I'll ever be able to update regularly of frequently… But I'll try, okay? So far, I only managed to find a little time to scribble in a few paragraphs every day.

Well, I was a bit intimidated after reading all the reviews… what if the second chapter wasn't as good as the first? But I tried my best, anyway… so I hope you found it okay.

If you guys want to suggest your own laws, that would be cool with me. :P I'm just making 'em up as I go along, anyway.

Let me know what you think!


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